tom

I think conspiracy theories are hilarious.

If you stop and think of the most unlikely reason for the government to do anything, there's probably a handful of people out there who fervently hold to some theory about it.

Maybe part of the problem is in their success rate. And also the fact that most conspiracy theory leaders find it necessary to abandon their families, and personal hygiene, in order to pursue the uncovering of their suspicions.

Still, I'd like to add my own conspiracy theory to the already-existing multitude. I'd like to offer my theory to anyone who considers themselves paranoid, has been diagnosed to be clinically schizophrenic, or generally afraid of things most people aren't (think Howie from Benchwarmers). If this is you, please latch onto the concrete evidence and irrefutable trend I've uncovered; completely undetected by the rest of society, and threatening the very oxygen we breathe.

My theory is about a guy named Tom. Not just any Tom.

The Tom.

I think he's trying to take over the world. If I disappear minutes from posting this, he got to me...but at least the world will know the truth.

If you Google the name "Tom" you'll find the following on the first page of hits...

Tom's Shoes. Popular shoes these days. Trendy, yet helpful, these fashion statements are crafted by none other than the man in question, Tom himself. In fact, he's so good he's not even scared to name the company after himself.

Founded in 2006, the company provides a pair of shoes to a needy child for every pair purchased (a thing they call "one for one"). Tom's Shoes has given over 150,000 pairs of shoes away since the company's beginning.

Hmm, that's a lot of shoes going out to a lot of kids in third world countries. Sounds like Tom has connections across the globe.

Step one for any mastermind.

Undoubtedly someone who appreciates irony, Tom's masquerade as an innocent shoe distributor knows his company will ultimately "stomp" out all competition.

Google reveals another one of Tom's endeavors; posing as the mascot for the world's leading social networking site, Myspace.

Myspace would lead the unsuspecting net surfer to believe Tom to be the cute, friendly "first friend" who greets you before anyone else when you register. They say in the ancient world the tribe who reached land first often conquered it. Well, let's just say Tom is reaching everyone first.

Thanks to Tom's invasive, clever burglary of the world's personal information, he probably knows more about all of us than we know about ourselves. But don't worry, you still got in touch with that girl from high school who you never had the guts to talk to, and you finally found her profile, and she's married.

All that was worth registering in Tom's Rolodex, right?

Which brings us to Google's final discovery about Tom.

You may have heard of TomTom GPS car navigation systems? Thought so.
He founded this one in 1991. Revenue in 2008 was appox. 1,674 million.

That's some hefty cashflow, not to mention Tom is tracking every single one of us, thanks to his stalking devices sitting on all our dashes... because WE put them there!

Are you getting the picture?

You know, people have told me I'm crazy. They've told me I'm seeing only what I want to see. That I'm creating a problem from nothing.

You know what I call those people? Tom Victims.